Romantism
by Novelist Pup
Summary: [AU, Highschool] Love doesn't take no for an answer. Jiraiya and Orochimaru found this out the hard way. [JiraOro]
1. My Favorite Memory

**Romantism**

JIRAORO ROXS YUR SOX.

This chapter has been completely redone. If you read it before, you might like it better now.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, yo.**

**ONE**

_My Favorite Memory_

My favorite memory, huh?

Let's see, I'm sixteen, a junior in high school, and I've done a lot in my life that was probably memorable.

So, what's something someone _normal_ would say? "My favorite memory is the time we won the national finals…it rocked so fuckin' hard man!" or maybe "My favorite memory is the time I had sex for the first time…it was kinda disappointing."

Yeah, I don't think so.

My favorite memory would stem all the way back to preschool (or maybe it was kindergarten…hell if I remember). It's weird, but I don't think I'll ever forget the events for as long as I live right now.

So, there was this guy. I think. Maybe he was a girl. I don't exactly remember.

Wait, wait, hold up! I'm totally sucking at the whole remembering part, so hold on.

All right, now I think I've got all of my thoughts in order.

There was a, uh, _person_ who looked like a guy but could pass as a girl really easily.

I'll call him a guy for the time being.

All right, and we were in kinderschool (see? That's adaptability to confusion at its best!). He had a snake, and I had a frog.

My frog was the most awesome amphibian there ever was. His name? Gamakichi.

The fucker's snake ate my fucking frog.

Believe me when I say I don't think I'll ever get over that.

But anyway, he apologized profusely, over and over again. I…kind of forgave him. Like a reverend in a Catholic church that works the confessional, I almost forgave his sin, but not quite.

He was a weird guy. Not much weirder than me, with my very white hair and my very apparent red lines underneath my eyes. But he was weirder, with his long black hair and _really_ feminine figure. I chose guy again why?

That wasn't the weirdest part though, and definitely not the reason why this is my favorite memory.

The guy's hair was long, like I said. Long bangs though, always hung in front of his face and covered his eyes rather cleverly. While he was apologizing, I had ruffled his hair in a way of saying "Dude, it's okay, seriously, shut the hell up", and he ran his hands back over it, accidentally brushing his bangs out the way.

This guy, this _weird, female-looking_ guy, had bright golden eyes… that _slit_ as pupils.

I pretended to not be freaked out. I think I did a damn good job, too.

But, problem is, after that one day in kinderschool, he never came back.

I really wish I could see him again, if only to see if I weren't shitting myself when I saw those eyes of his.

Guess I'll never get that wish.

**END ONE**

Like I said, JiraOro is the SHIZNIT DAWG.

Now, may I please bring up a valid argument? Why is OroJira one of the least appreciated pairings? OroTsu as well. If you read your SasuNaru's and your SasuSaku's, and then compare them to OroJira and OroTsu, what do you think you'll get?

The same thing. OroJira is the same exact thing as SasuNaru, and it pains me to know that no one appreciates it that much. In fact, OroJira has more _plot_ than SasuNaru. I'm not just saying this because OroJira is one of my all-time favorite pairings (SasuNaru is in fact at the top of my list in that), but because what I'm using is an over-used plot in most SasuNaru's, but hasn't even been done once for an OroJira.

Thank you.


	2. Duped

**Romantism **

Whee.

**TWO**

_Duped_

"Kaeru! How can you turn such a thing in? You have marvelous writing skills! Why don't you use them?" I looked up from my spot on the desk and focused one eye onto the ranting teacher.

Someone snorted in laughter. "Ha, teacher! You already know that Jiraiya's too stupid to put any skills to use!" A random classmate taunted. I never did bother to figure out their names. I just call them as I see them, which is usually "Asshole" or "Creep".

"Lady, I did use my writing skills. You read the paper, you could tell." I answered for myself. The teacher's face reddened as she wielded the sheet paper that contained my personal opinion, and she pointed her long finger at my face.

"Kaeru, this is _not_ what you are capable of! You used vulgar words and generalizing statements to get your point across, and you failed at doing that as well!" she hissed. I think that's when I got pissed, and stood up in front of her, using my height to level my reply.

I huffed. "Give me a break! You said that we had to write a paper on our favorite memory, and I gave you that! What more do you want? Vivid verbs? Onomatopoeia? _Alliteration_?" I retorted. She narrowed her eyes as she set the paper back on my desk.

"If it could show that you had at least a little talent, then yes. I usually don't say this word, but your 'memory' is a piece of crap." The teacher said coldly. That was kinda rude, lady.

Maybe I shouldn't have slammed the desk so hard, and then I wouldn't be back to the one place I've become awfully accustomed to. I'm too ruggedly manly for my own good, man.

"Jiraiya, what did you do this time?" The principal, Sandiame Sarutobi, asked me with bored eyes as he played Solitaire on his computer. Why does he _never_ seem to be doing real principal/whatever work?

"I wrote a crappy paper, and the teacher mocked my opinion. So I got pissed, what did you expect?" I answered, already reaching for my usual handheld game that was kept on his desk. A hand smacked mine away before I could touch it.

"Mario…" I whined. Sarutobi rolled his eyes and smiled at me.

"Jiraiya, I don't need you setting a bad example for the new student." he said slyly. I flinched, new student? That was a decidedly random event at this school.

"I'm behind you, dumbass." A cool voice said, in such a smooth way that it sounded vaguely like a hiss. I turned around and first saw the golden eyes, _slit_ golden eyes.

"M-my memory!" I stuttered out of reaction. Well, that was not creepy at all Jiraiya, now how about you stalk him to follow that up? Jesus Christ, do I even know what comes out my mouth anymore?

The teenager looked me over, repeatedly. I kind of felt like I was on display, and he looked me in the eyes. It was kind of complicated, because I was taller than him by an inch or two.

"I have never met you before in my life," he stated. I frowned. That was impossible! Well, not _impossible_, just improbable.

"How could you not remember me?" I asked indignantly.

He rolled his unique eyes. "I feel that it would be necessary for me to remember a minor with pre-mature white hair and vertical red marks across the cheeks," he responded.

Okay, that was just rude.

I almost snarled before hearing a chuckling sound in the air.

"You think this is funny?!" I growled at Sarutobi, who unsuccessfully attempted to stop laughing. He waved his hand at me and snorted into his other arm.

"No no, I'm good. Go on, please." Sarutobi claimed, grinning. I rolled my eyes and stepped away from the black-haired teen. Said teenager looked at Sarutobi pointedly and he shut up at once.

Why didn't he do that when I asked? That's pretty unfair, Law of Equivalent Exchange.

"As you may know Jiraiya, I can not let this go unpunished. So, you are to escort your acquaintance here to all of his classes. I don't really care how, but do it." Sarutobi commanded.

I raised an eyebrow in question. "Or?" I asked, knowing that there was always an alternative in these kinds of things.

"Or, three-day-suspension. Choose wisely." Sarutobi said.

I winced. "Ouch, low blow. Alright, what's your class?" I asked with a fake cheer towards the black-haired teen.

"Honors Calculus," he answered in that indistinct hiss. I shuddered as I walked him out the principal's office. I don't think I'll be getting used to that anytime soon.

We walked in silence for quite a while, because the Honors hall was on the third floor of the school, as the principal's office was on the first. Silence and I aren't very good friends. He never answers the phone when I fucking call him, the jerk.

"So, can I ask you a question?" I asked. He flit his eyes in my direction for a second.

"You just did," he responded.

I twitched, and exhaled deeply. "What's your name?" I asked, hoping to get an answer that made sense this time. His lips twitched as he obviously considered telling me. I didn't understand the hesitation a bit. Was he a criminal or a sexual pervert or something?

"Orochimaru Manda," he finally said. I grinned and held my hand to my head in a saluting motion.

"Jiraiya Kaeru, at your service," I greeted. I don't think he was amused at my introduction.

He rolled his _golden, slit_ eyes. "Well then dumbass, would you mind getting me to my class then?" he snapped. My smile automatically dropped.

I know I heard Sarutobi laughing, I'm not crazy.

"Eat your heart out, Satan. Looks like someone else is PMSing too…" I commented as I walked past him to the next set of stairs. Orochimaru grabbed my polo-shirt's collar and tugged it hard, hard enough for me to face him.

"I seriously don't appreciate it when people call me a female," he hissed, really _hissed_ this time. Gee man, if you don't like being a woman, then maybe you should, I dunno, start acting like a fucking _man_?

I easily removed his hand from my wrinkled shirt as I glared.

"And I _seriously_ don't like it when people call me a dumbass, so we're equal." I snarled back ("By the way, are you an A-cup or what?" is what I really wanted to add). He narrowed his eyes as a nasty sneer formed on his lips.

"We will _never_ be equal. You don't know me," he retorted coldly.

"And _you_ don't know _me_. So we're still equal." I replied, making him clench his fist in frustration. Ha.

Jiraiya: 2

Orochimaru: 1

"Not everyone's life is as carefree as yours is," he finally responded. This time, it was my turn to be frustrated. I pointed at my cheeks and watched as he looked at them.

"Do you seriously think that this is a simple birthmark? You _look_ smart, so you can put the pieces together." I snarled at him.

Actually, now that I think about it, it really is a simple birthmark. Huh, that's odd.

Orochimaru almost looked taken back before smirking in pleasure. On our first meeting (well, kind of) he just got me to answer a question that I normally wouldn't have answered, and he didn't even vocally ask!

I felt so duped.

"Y'know what? Your class is in this hall, three doors down." I snapped, stomping away angrily. His smirk grew as he walked down the hall waving in a small manner.

This relationship was already off to a bad start, damn it.

**END TWO**

Jiraiya, Orochimaru, and Tsunade are all sixteen (juniors).

(The definitions: Kaeru means toad or frog. Mando is Oro's anaconda snake thingy.)


	3. Illuminate The Hate

**Romantism **

Lolz.

**THREE**

_Illuminate the Hate_

That prick is in that class, with_ me!_

I mean, sure, I can stare at his eyes secretly all I want while contemplating my favorite memory, but does he have to make a condescending statement towards _every_ single thing I do?

What the hell was wrong with my writing? I'm actually really proud of it. I'd like to become a writer of some sort in the future. And maybe kickbox on the side… yeah, that'd fuckin' rock.

But back to the subject at hand.

Orochimaru is a straight-up, without a doubt, total bastard. He's a dirty, _dirty_ liar. All like "Sorry Sir Stupid, I don't remember you at all!"

Why the hell is he bothering me then?

He's in my favorite class! My AP Literature class, which I love with a PASSION.

I'm serious! I escorted him, didn't beat the living shit out of him like I really wanted to, and he repays me by making my time hell in one of my favorite classes?

Let's go back to the class, so you can get a feel of what the hell I'm talking about.

--

"Class, I'd like you to welcome the new student, Orochimaru Manda." Mr. Uchiha said, stepping back to show the black-haired teen. He nodded and greeted the class quietly. The class greeted him back in a bored manner and Mr. Uchiha searched for a seat to suit the new student.

"Mr. Manda, why don't you sit by Jiraiya? I'm sure he won't mind."

The HELL I won't, dammit!

"Thank you Mr. Uchiha." Orochimaru replied to the teacher in his creepy hiss. I think Mr. Uchiha noticed it as well, because he winced when Orochimaru turned his head.

"Hello _Jiraiya_." Orochimaru said, the words sliding mockingly between pale pink lips, taunting my name like a snake.

Why did I just turn him saying my name into poetry, practically?

"Drop the sexy tone man, I don't know you like that." I replied blandly. He just smirked, and leaned his head onto one hand (was he trying to seduce me or something?) and his lips stretched even more.

Doesn't he get tired of that?

By the way, the answer is: NO.

"Jiraiya, would you mind showing Mr. Manda what we were just working on?" Mr. Uchiha asked with a kind smile. I really like Mr. Uchiha. I nodded and pulled out my book to turn it to the assigned page.

"Alright, so we're supposed to write a simple poem, but using a certain genre for the thing." I explained. He raised an eyebrow in question.

"The genres are?"

"Y'know, like alliteration, rhyming, all that jazz?" I said. He nodded. "You just got to write something that flows with a genre, something that exposes what _you're_ feelin' that moment."

He nodded again in understanding and began working. I'd been done for a while now, so I just leaned back in my chair, thinking of various plots for a story.

"You think you're done, don't you?" That cold hiss whispered in my ear, thoroughly scaring the hell out of me.

"Jesus!" I almost leaned back too far, but automatically latched my hand to the desk to pull myself back up.

I stared at him incredulously. "Where the hell do you get off-" I started, but was cut off by that creep's voice.

"I asked you if you thought you were done, because from here it seems your poem lacks much of the correct standards to be considered eligible for completion," he said.

"You can't even _read_ it from where you are, bastard!" I whispered back harshly. He sneered and turned his head away fast enough for his hair to smack my face.

Damn it.

I get the feeling that the hair smacking is going to be a _lot_ more apparent in the future.

"Poetry is akin to a pedigree. Many people able to make it work have the ability in their genes." Orochimaru said haughtily.

The fuck? Who the hell goes around comparing _class work_ to what sounds almost like a dog show. I glared and looked over at his poem, which kinda crept me out a bit.

"_Going to find myself today, _

_Off until tomorrow. _

_Dreaming something will come my way, _

_Hope in place of sorrow. _

_Elated by my ideals _

_Led by my reason. _

_Pain is unreal _

_My pleasure is in season. _

_Everyone will smile _

_People will laugh. _

_Least be by the mile _

_Even on my single path. _

_All my trek is that, _

_Simple self-relation. _

_Except I don't know how to get back _

…_should I try desperation?_"

I read to myself, avidly fascinated by the purposeful message. Yet, the poem really made you think about stuff.

Why is he calling for salvation? I mean, I noticed the little letter-to-word play he worked around with, but was that what he was really feeling?

I looked back at him and saw him staring in morbid attentiveness at my poem. I held it up and gave it to him, because he seemed just that interested. He read it to himself, but I could hear him speaking, Mr. Uchiha could hear him speaking, the entire class could hear him speaking.

And it was creepy as hell.

"_Illuminate the hate as we wait in sake of the lives despised by knives held in the hand of a man who can but won't try to die as I sigh and look away from today and say to stay in spite of light and right, fight in sight of the role of my soul divided unsighted reunited by the word heard by soaring birds shot by naught and sought by a heart used abused confused as we feel the thrill still in a seal of cold old gold sold by a face in a race of distaste and pace of pained stained strained smiles._"

I want to burn that poem now, after hearing it pass through the lips of that slippery voice. Yet it sounds so much better than me saying it in my gruff voice.

"Mr. Manda, did you write…_that_?" Uchiha-sensei asked, unable to say the word 'poem'. Orochimaru shook his head, his long hair smacking my face, _again _(see? I can predict the future), and motioned his head towards me.

I could've sworn he could talk.

"Jiraiya wrote that? No way!" A random classmate exclaimed. What's so hard to believe about it? Is it because I'm just that good, and you aren't? Well, sorry for being able to write, assholes.

"Jiraiya-kun, you amaze me with your writing abilities once more." Mr. Uchiha said, smiling gently. Orochimaru looked pointedly at me and I grinned at him. He was about to say something, but the bell rang, signaling the next period.

"Your poem was pretty awesome." I said to him as we walked out of class.

He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. Again. "Your poem lacked much to be desired, but the rhyming sequence was interesting, to say in the least." Orochimaru replied.

I am getting so sick of this guy's constant criticism, and all I did was congratulate him on his sick poem. Bastard (and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Not.).

"If you have nothing to say, dumbass, then can you get out the way? I have to go to class." Orochimaru said, fixing his sneer.

"And I have to take you to class! So follow me, bastard." I growled. Orochimaru pushed past me and walked down the hall.

"Hey man, where're you going?" I called.

"To class, moron. I have Honors Civics," he responded back, just as snippy as before.

"How do you know where the Honors hall is?" I asked. Orochimaru halted and looked back at me with a look that screamed 'You idiot'.

Okay, I'll give him that one.

And I'll admit that was quite a stupid question.

_--_

You see why I hate that asshole?

I can't stand him! Him and his pretty eyes and pretty hair and pretty _everything_ basically.

And sadly enough, I get a premonition that I'd be seeing more of him in the future.

**END THREE**

I already know the poetry fucking sucks. Don't fucking remind me.

Uchiha-sensei is Sasuke and Itachi's great-uncle, Uchiha Teyaki. I'm just taking all of the really old characters and making them work out in this.


	4. That Big River In Africa

**Romantism**

Edited on April 27, 2008. Isn't that so awesome? It used to be much worst than this.

**FOUR**

_That Big River in Africa _

I love my friends.

Seriously, I do. I love them almost as much as I love porn. But, uh, _not_ quite.

"Hey, Jiraiya!"

"What Tsunade?" I asked in a grumpy voice. Tsunade grinned in victory, having gotten my attention once more while I was trying to ignore her. How do girls do that? I mean, it's not like she has any _boobs_ or anything. If she did, though, she sure as hell would never _not_ have my attention.

Tsunade Sannin, one of a very special kind best friend, granddaughter of the mayor, and flat as a straight board.

"Jiraiya, did you hear about the new student?" she asked excitedly.

I rolled my eyes at her. How typical of the female gossiping kind.

"If you mean that bastard, Orochimaru, I've met him and his attitude doesn't amuse me." I responded.

She smiled wickedly, making me a bit freaked out. "Is he cute?"

Damn her.

I keep trying to explain to her, as nicely as possible, that I am _not gay_.

"I can not tell if he's cute. I don't check out other guys like that." I said, tired of the question she asks every time there's a new guy.

"C'mon, there gotta be something pretty about him!" she pestered on, blinking her honey eyes innocently. I went through my mind to see if there were any pretty factors of Orochimaru.

"He had… really nice-looking skin…" I muttered, scratching my chin.

Tsunade grinned in triumph. "Anything else?" she asked. I grumbled several curses under my breath.

"And some really silky-looking hair." I said. She looked like she was suppressing a squeal as she patted my back.

"Would you go out with him?" She asked.

I twitched rapidly.

This was not going to end well.

"I'm _not_ gay!" I exclaimed. She wasn't convinced, as her grin grew larger.

"Oooo, denial!" she remarked.

What a _smartass_.

"I'm not in denial! I have no reason to be, because I'm no queer!" I growled. I heard an almost distinct cough behind me and turned to see a shock of silver hair.

"What's so wrong being queer?" My other best friend, Sakumo Hatake, asked in a irritated manner.

I grinned sheepishly. "Sorry man, I didn't mean it like that. Tsunade's just asking me if I am gay. _Again_." I explained.

Sakumo raised an eyebrow. "There's another new guy?" he asked me.

"Yeah, he's a real bastard too."

"Is he cute?"

Why the fuck should _I_ know?!

"I can not tell if he is cute!" I said, frustrated with everyone's lack of faith towards my sexual preference. Sakumo shrugged and cut me in line, making Tsunade get behind me.

"I can't help but ask, seeing as how I'm half queer myself," he muttered, probably still pissed. Are bisexual guys _supposed_ to be this sensitive? This is all Tsunade's (and her odd love of homosexual boys) fault.

"I said I was sorry! Wouldn't you get tired of being accused of being something other than what you are every time a new guy comes to school?" I asked. He looked at Tsunade and she grinned slyly.

"He's in denial," she said.

I fumed. "I'm not in denial!" I exclaimed.

"That seems like denial to me." Sakumo claimed.

"No it doesn't!" I cried, distraught.

"Moron, stop screaming."

Oh God. Just fuck me with a spiked pike _now_. "What the hell?"

A black-haired, snaky bastard cocked an eyebrow and folded his arms as I looked down at him (due to the height difference, and the fact that Tsunade had cut me) and smirked.

_Again_.

"Is that him, Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked, excitement seeping through her voice. Sakumo looked at Orochimaru as well and whistled appreciatively.

"Yeah Jira, you're in denial. You _have_ to be stupid to refuse that specimen!" he exclaimed. Orochimaru's smirk grew in size as he nodded at Sakumo for his appreciation.

"Amazing, moron, even your acquaintances agree with me towards your mental capacity," he said smugly. Calm down, fists. Our time to punch his fucking pretty face in shall come.

"I'm not stupid!" I'd come up with a better insult, but he was staring at me with those ultra creepy eyes. They distract my brain. A lot.

"Yes you are, dumbass," he retorted. I took a deep breath in and turned around so I could get my lunch. Tsunade and Sakumo whispered hurriedly behind my back, looking up at me before going back to each other. I got to the lunch line, where the lunch lady stared at me in disdain. Like she always does, interestingly enough.

"Hey, can I get the pepperoni pizza please?" I asked. She narrowed her eyes and handed me a sloppy slice of sausage pizza, which I love nearly as much as pepperoni.

"Heh, thanks lunch lady!" I said cheerfully and walked over to the eating area.

I sat down at our usual unoccupied table, Tsunade and Sakumo in front of me, and Orochimaru beside me.

What the hell?

Seriously, _what_ the _hell_?

"What're you doing here?" I demanded. Orochimaru paused in the opening of his lunch bag, turning to Tsunade for answers.

"We invited him," she simply said. My eyebrow twitched, as I couldn't argue with a girl's logic, and I took a great bite out of my pizza slice.

"Damn I love sausage pizza." I mumbled. Tsunade rolled her eyes, and Sakumo pointed his fork at me.

"You know she hates you, and only does that to spite you, correct?" He said. I nodded, and shrugged.

"I'm an optimist, you know, I can't help but hope that one day she'd get over her petty hatred and give me the right order on that day, even _if_ she's been giving me sausage pizza when I asked for pepperoni and vice versa for a whole school year. Besides, this pizza is the _shit_!" I said, laughing at the end.

"Stop laughing." Orochimaru snapped, annoyed. I looked at him for an explanation and he fixed his sneer.

"I can't stand people who laugh when it's obvious something hurts. Those types of people attempt to run from fear rather than face it. The stupid people, in a nutshell," he said, standing up with a grace no male should possess and walking away, throwing his lunch in the trash bin.

I blinked.

I said I _liked_ the sausage pizza.

It's, I don't know, _delicious_.

"He got you." Sakumo said, chewing thoughtfully on his correct order. Tsunade giggled, and I groaned in frustration.

"Yo! Tsunade!" A really deep voice called from the other side of the lunch center. I stopped a growl as it threatened to emerge as Tsunade's current boyfriend stomped across the room.

Taiseki, one of the slickest and most annoying guys in this school. His last name isn't even necessary.

No seriously, I never even bothered to find it out. Is it really that important?

Don't ask me why, but there is just something about him that I despise.

"Tsunade, I thought you were going to sit with _me_ instead of these losers…" He said, sneering at me.

Why the fuck does everyone want to sneer at me today? Am I wearing a sign that says "Sneer at me if you like football"?

"Taiseki, they aren't 'losers', we've been friends since elementary school." Tsunade defended.

I remember those days…

Wait, no I don't.

I, like, _vaguely_ remember those days.

I was the different kid that no one liked, and had an incredibly difficult time in school, because no one liked the fact that I had premature white hair (and it looked really good on me) and that I could write really well. Tsunade was the mayor's granddaughter, and needless to say, a total brat. Sakumo was just really quiet. One day, I met Tsunade, and we kinda hit it off, and the same with Sakumo.

We've been best friends ever since, and pretty much inseparable.

Okay I'm lying. We haven't been inseparable, since everyone has other groups they like to associate with.

Yet, not everyone appreciates our union.

"Yeah, yeah. That's nice, now can you come with me please?" Taiseki asked in this slick voice. Tsunade nodded stiffly and I could see something in her eyes that I've never seen before.

It was kind of weird to see her look at him in hatred.

Ooo, maybe she's finally seeing my side?

"Bye guys…" Tsunade said as Taiseki grasped her hand and pulled her across the cafeteria. Sakumo and I waved. With that done, I turned to Sakumo and grinned.

"So… it's just you and me now, isn't it?" I asked.

Sakumo barked a laugh and stood up. "I love you Jiraiya, you're also hot as hell (and I'm talking about the sexy factor), but my sexy sensors are tingling. See ya." Sakumo said, grinning back. I put my head on the table and sighed frustrated.

"Man I need a girlfriend."

What a joke.

Really.

**END FOUR**

EDITING ROX.


	5. Femininity

**Romantism**

Edited on April 27th, 2008.

**FIVE**

_Femininity_

"So, are you doing anything tonight, Mika?"

Of course, being the sexy, suave guy I am, it's only natural that a girl won't accept my incredibly rare offer to accompany her on a date.

Okay, I'm just shittin' ya.

On the subject of girls, I can say one thing. I love them, but they don't love me.

Girls are _wonderful_, the best things on earth since sliced bread. They have curves, beauty, and just a general presence that makes me weak in the knees. Even the hand-shaped red print on my cheek screams its happiness at being touched by a lovely young lady.

It would be kinda nice to actually land a date though.

A wish like that is pretty damn hard to fulfill though.

"Dumbass, shouldn't you put ice on that mark?" Orochimaru asked, scaring me stiff.

I think I'll write my will before the end of the school year; in case Orochimaru does manage to, you know, scare me to death.

I grin and rub the precious mark on my face gently to relieve some of the aching pain.

"It's cool, bastard." I respond. He rolled his eyes and walks a little faster down the hall.

I frown before continuing at my more leisure pace. "What a bastard…" I mumbled to myself. Although, as he walked away, I noticed that Orochimaru's hair kind of bounced against his back as he walked, and how his body was actually smaller than most guys.

If anything, he really reminded me of a girl.

Oh yeah, _girls_.

I love girls so much…

"Oof!" I grunt as someone collided with my chest. I open one eye to see a short blonde kid frantically picking up his fallen books. I bend down and give him a wayward book, only for him to drop all of his other books just to take the one I was giving him.

"Kid, are you okay?" I asked, collecting the books that he just dropped on the ground. The guy opened his eyes, surprising me with their sky-blue color.

Damn.

That's something you don't see everyday.

Then again, you don't see teenagers with white hair and red lines across their cheeks either.

"I'm sorry. _Verdammt_, I'm just such a klutz," he said, his voice giving off a major accent.

"It's all right. I haven't seen you around here before." I replied, standing up. He was shorter than me as well, probably shorter than Orochimaru.

"Right, I just moved to America. I'm from Germany, by the way. But my father was Japanese." The guy said. That explained the accent and the eyes. If anything, he could've been one of those kids who constantly dye their hair, so he's probably not a natural blonde. Tsunade's a natural blonde, but that's all in this school. This school itself, though, is an American school, but has a mostly Asian population, which explains a lot of the teachers and students and shit like that.

"I'm a natural blond as well," he said, smiling. I grinned back and heaved his books onto one of my arms.

"I'm gonna guess that these books are new and going to your locker, correct?" I asked, before realizing something really strange.

Orochimaru had no books when I escorted him. Weird.

Maybe he's not nearly as smart as I pinned him to be?

"Yes they are, I can take them now." The boy said, trying to reach his books on my right shoulder. I smirked and straightened my back so that I was a little taller.

"Sorry kid, but I bumped into you, so I'm gonna take these to your locker as payback. Got it?" I said, leaving no room for questions. The blonde rolled his eyes, but a smile was still playing on his lips.

I knew I was going to be late for class, but for some reason I didn't care.

Huh. Maybe I really am an idiot.

"My locker is B-324, as it says on this paper." The kid said. I nodded and we walked up the hall and onward to the second floor. As we walked, I looked to my side and really got a good look at the kid. His hair spiked in a strangely organized way, and his eyes were quite large. I caught myself and looked away quickly.

First Orochimaru, and now this kid?

What the hell, man? What the _hell_?

"Here's my locker! Thank you, sir!" The guy exclaimed gratefully. I was confused for a quite a while. Sir? No one's ever called me 'sir' before. I shrugged off the thought before giving the kid his books.

"No problem. I'm Jiraiya. You can call me in the hallway if you see me for anything." I said. He smiled brightly and held out his hand.

"I am Minato Namikaze. I will gladly take you up on your offer, by the way," he said happily. I grinned and mentally patted myself on the back.

Hey, I just made a cute kid smile!

Whoa, _what_?

I am not gay, no matter what my head or friends desire to tell me.

"Jiraiya? Are you okay?" Minato asked, frowning. I shook my head to rid the thoughts and grinned at the short blond.

"I'm alright. Thanks for asking though. I've also got to go, because I'm kind of late for class." I said.

Minato's eyes widened in horror as I stretched my cramped muscles. "I'm so sorry! I made you late for class! Please let me make it up to you after school?" Minato asked, cocking his head for leverage on his point.

I cocked an eyebrow. "Why?" I replied. What exactly is the purpose of that?

The blond shrugged. "Well, you took the time out of your life to help some foreign kid find his locker despite how you wouldn't win anything by doing it, and I greatly appreciate that."

"Oh. Okay then, I guess you can do something to repay me?"

The blonde smiled happily and walked away with a bounce in his step. Why was he so happy to do something for me?

"That kid is so weird." I said fondly.

**END FIVE**

EDITING IS SO DAMN FUN.

Oh wait, NO IT ISN'T. DDDD:


	6. Natural Hair

**Romantism **

Edited!

**SIX**

_Natural Hair _

"Jiraiya! I want twenty laps, right now!"

"Yes sir!"

I should've known to not have been late for Physical Education. It should not have mattered how much help the kid needed. I am so freaking stupid, I'm serious. To be late for Mr. Tazuna's class.

I'm so damn stupid.

Maybe Orochimaru is right.

"No way! Why am I thinking about that bastard at a time like this?" I growled to myself.

"Thinking about whom?" A hiss said from beside me. I almost tripped over and fell in fright. How the HELL did he get in this class with me?

"Give a guy a warning next time, would ya?" I snapped at him as I continued running. Orochimaru just smirked and caught up with me, quite easily as it seemed. I sighed and looked at him, only to find him somewhere ahead of me. He looks back, and smirked again.

That _bastard_ is challenging me.

I run up faster and pass by him easily. Soon, he starts running quickly, and I do the same. Suddenly, we're racing.

I would like to thank whatever deity up there for my fit stature and my muscles.

Especially the leg ones.

Definitely the leg ones.

"So, why are you on the track?" I asked over the wind flying between us due to our speed. Orochimaru frowned slightly in thought before making an indistinct shrug.

"The teacher desired that I cut my hair, I refused," he replied. I don't know why, that thought itself horrified me. And then I imagined Orochimaru with short hair, successfully making me want to vomit. Talk about not attractive!

"BOYS! You have exceeded the assigned goal! Stop now." Mr. Tazuna's voice called out. I shook my head in surprise, since I had no idea that we even were near twenty, and by the way Orochimaru looked up in curiosity, he didn't either.

"You didn't know we were done either? I thought you'd have it analyzed and then replay it back to me, like a damn computer!" I teased as we headed back to the rest of the class. Orochimaru rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Moron, I actually would've done that, but you got me caught up in your childish impulses," he retorted.

I scowl. "Hey man, _you_ were the one who kept freakin' running pass me! If anything, _you_ started this 'childish impulse'!" I snapped back, making Orochimaru shake his head in amusement at me.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

"You, dumbass," he responded. Why does he have to be so damn blunt? He could've said 'Oh, something' but he says 'You, dumbass'.

What have I done to him?

Well, I still really want to beat the living shit out of him… maybe he caught on to those vibes?

"Boys, line up! We're playing _dodge ball_."

Well I'll be damned.

I think Mr. Tazuna hates me.

We lined up in a crooked line, and Mr. Tazuna stomped in front of us.

"Alright. Bao, Lee. Choose your teams."

Two unimportant guys, Bao and Lee, moved to the front and began to look us over carefully. I lean back, knowing it'll be a while until I actually get picked.

"Aizawa!" Boa called out. A brunet boy trots to his side.

"Yun!" Lee shouted. A black-haired boys runs up to him.

I think it was a while until only Orochimaru and I were remaining. I actually thought that he'd be the first one picked. I wonder why he wasn't. He showed a lot of athleticism with his 'childish-impulse'.

I don't think I'll ever get over that.

"Um… the girly-looking boy!" Boa called out. That figures. Orochimaru didn't move an inch towards his assigned line. Saehara cocked an eyebrow.

"Yo, shorty! Yeah you, the short girlish one with the freaky eyes and long hair!" Bao continued.

For some reason, this actually pissed me off.

Or maybe I just like to start trouble.

"Hey Bao! His name is _Orochimaru_! Try making use of it, huh?" I yell back. A few students snicker and Saehara looked pensive before smirking at me.

"It's only natural that a freak would stand up for another freak," he remarked. I growled and stalked over to him, grabbing the collar of his gym shirt.

"Hey man, you've got the chance, so why don't you say that to my face?" I snapped. Bao frowned before pushing me away roughly.

"Unfortunately for you, I'm not gay, so don't invade my space, got it?" he muttered. I ball my fist, but before any damage was made, Mr. Tazuna came running up.

"Boys, back down! Bao, control your mouth. Jiraiya, get back to the line," he commanded. I did as I was told and moved back to the 'line' that consisted of me and Orochimaru.

"You really are a moron." Orochimaru commented as I moved back into my spot next to him.

I grinned and shot him a thumb's up.

"It comes with the important job of being me." I said. Orochimaru's lips twitched at the ends before he realized what he was just about to do, and he walked to Bao's group. Lee nodded at me to come to his, and then we got onto our respective sides.

"Alright boys, clean game, minimum injuries. Start!" Mr. Tazuna yelled, wisely stepping out the way before the ball cart was assaulted and balls flew everywhere.

I had two balls in my hands, and I looked around for Bao. I spotted him throwing several balls at various participants, and I snuck behind him and popped the back of his head with one of the balls. I threw the next one on top of his still body for good measure. Afterwards, I found myself back at the ball cart, where Orochimaru was being the opposite of 'Team Spirit'.

I think that might be the most awesome part about him.

"Still not into childish impulses?" I asked. Orochimaru looked at me with a 'are you stupid?' look.

"No. And I never will be," he said. I laughed before leaning back on the wall next to him. After about thirty minutes of watching teenagers pummel each other with balls, Mr. Tazuna yelled the end of the game.

"Get to the showers! Violence smells like shit!" he yelled. I get to the locker room and grab my towel before stepping into the communal shower. I always felt oddly strange about showering with other guys.

It's kinda uncomfortable, you know? I mean, you're stuck in a shower with a bunch of other naked guys and _anything_ could happen.

Sounds like prison.

Ugh.

After I turn on the shower and washed my body, I start on my hair. I may have a slight vendetta against my hair, but that doesn't mean I won't take care of it.

And then, _it_ happened.

_It_ happened almost in slow motion. I was washing my hair when the soap slipped from between my hands and plopped to the ground.

Two things clicked in my head at the moment. One: Oh shit, this is a communal bathroom for guys and a lot of people don't exactly like me. Two: No one's here, maybe I can bend down quickly.

I quickly get to my fallen soap and bend over just as fast, straining my knees for leverage.

"Nice view."

I finally flop on the ground in surprise, as I was going to do several times whenever Orochimaru pulled another one of his 'I'm-Going-To-Sneak-Up-Behind-You-In-My-Rapist-Kind-Of-Way-And-Scare-The-Hell-Out-Of-You' tricks.

He could totally be a magician. I know I wouldn't watch his shows.

I looked behind me and saw Orochimaru in a small towel, looking mildly amused at my embarrassment.

"Don't do that!" I growled.

Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow. "Do what, exactly?"

I gestured wildly. "Sneak up on people! It's not fun, man!"

"I see. I'm also not a 'fun' person. Also, was there any reason for exposing your ass to anyone who came in?"

I almost fall right back down to the ground in embarrassment when he says that.

Damn my honesty! "I…dropped the soap." I said. Orochimaru's eyes widened before he turned around for a few moments. His shoulders were shaking spastically and I got the feeling he was laughing at me. After a while, he turned back around with a slight smile.

"Interesting," he said. I got up on wobbly knees and then shook my head to get the water out.

"Damn it, Orochimaru! Don't laugh at me!" I snapped at the snaky bastard. He smirked before flipping his hair. I moved out the way so that I am untouched by that evil mane.

I really should take up kickboxing.

I could kickbox his pretty ass to high heaven.

"I thought your hair was dyed, I guess I was wrong." He commented.

I grabbed my towel and dried my hair, not really understanding where he was going with this.

"But, at least now I can honestly say I am wrong." Orochimaru finished with a leer towards a place lower than my waist.

Oh.

OH.

I finally understood what he was talking about and immediately abandon drying my hair, covering myself with the towel instead.

"You're a damned _pervert_!" I yelled as I frantically scrambled out the showers. Wait, am I allowed to say that without being hypocritical? Hell if I know, I just ran away.

I can still hear his laughter.

It _haunts_ me, goddammit.

**END SIX**

Editing is so fun. Except for the part where it _isn't_.


	7. Minato

**Romantism**

Hi.

I bet you're wondering why everything is so much better and smart.

And I can only say that a little editing goes a long way.

**SEVEN**

_Minato_

Well, after that episode, I can now honestly say that the locker room and the shower is an immediate NO-NO if Orochimaru is just _idly_ hanging around, waiting for me to take off my towel.

My manly pride feels vaguely insulted.

And as I straighten my polo shirt, I smile at the thought of my last class for the day. With a grin that could put the infamous Stone Lee to shame, I tried to see if I could straighten my hair and gave myself a thumbs-up when I approached perfection. So, then I walked with a completely confident stride and came to the door.

"Ahem," I coughed into my hand, trying to insure that there was nothing in my throat. And then, I walked into my all-time favorite and last class of the day. World Studies.

"Hel-lo Chiyo-sensei!" I greeted. My God, how I loved this teacher. With her long red hair and calm brown eyes, it was pretty hard to _not_ fall in love with her. Of course, I was one of those lucky people, and I just wish that she could even remember my name. She could _never_ get my name right, honestly.

"Oh! Jarzen!" she exclaimed.

I smiled calmly. "No, it's Jiraiya." I explained. She nodded to herself as if she knew it all along.

"Well, Jargon, sit down and I'll continue with my lesson." Chiyo-sensei said. My smile twitched before I walked off to sit at my usual desk by the window. Soon after, Chiyo-sensei started her lesson, with her ubiquitous puppets.

Did I mention she has a puppet fetish?

She has a slightly creepy puppet fetish, but nothing I can't handle.

Besides, she really good at it anyway.

"Now, the Europeans came to Africa, and killed _aaaall_ the little Africans!" Chiyo-sensei made the European puppet hit the African puppet. Repeatedly.

"And then the Africans all died and Europe became America, which means now everyone sucks!" The African puppet fell out her hand and the European puppet got a red, white, and blue flag.

Sometimes, I suspected that half the stuff she said wasn't true.

But, seriously though, teachers aren't allowed to lie.

…Or are they?

"Chiyo-sensei, what about the fact that Europe is technically a continent?"

"They're lying to you, sweeties."

Yeah, I think she's not exactly telling the truth, but she's pretty. That makes up for everything.

So, the lesson was over before I even realized it. Did you know that Europeans are actually from the moon, especially if they're French? A dog saved the world from ass-slapping monkeys like 400 years ago, and killed an eight-headed serpent in the process, THREE TIMES.

I almost laughed aloud when I found out the serpents name.

Orochi. Fitting, huh?

* * *

When I left class, I felt like a whole new man, all educated and crap. And then I realized that I promised to meet Minato after school.

Well, I shouldn't rush, since I don't exactly know the kid and all.

That's how every kidnapping starts. Didn't you know?

"Jiraiya!" I snapped to attention before I was attacked by golden hair and cerulean eyes.

Metaphorically, of course.

"Jiraiya, how was your day?" Minato asked me excitedly. I scratched my head in confusion.

"Uh, it was okay, I guess. What about you, kid?" This kid has the most blindingly bright smiles I have ever been born to see.

And believe me when I say I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

"It was just fine, thanks to you, of course! In which, I still remember that I must thank you!" he exclaimed.

I grinned weakly. "It's not necessary, kid. Don't worry; I was glad to help in the first place!" I attempted to assure him. His smile dropped off his face and my heart stopped, fearing that I just screwed up.

And then the smile returned, tenfold.

"I never realized the Japanese-Americans were so nice! But honestly, if you need a favor, just call me, Jiraiya. Okay?" Minato said jovially, pulling out a card from his pocket. I took the card, amazed that someone of his age has business cards.

I looked at it.

**Minato Namikaze **

_**Tutoring Service **_

_**Call at: 1-555-558-8943**_

Oh, he's ultra-smart then. Just like a certain snake-bastard I met today.

And then I realized something. Minato was from Germany, which is in Europe, I think.

Maybe I should pay more attention in World History.

"Hey, what is it like on the moon?" I found myself asking before I could stop it. Minato looked at me oddly and laughed.

"You're funny, Jiraiya!" he said.

I grinned. "I guess I am."

The blond kid smiled. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow Jiraiya! Have a nice afternoon!" Minato exclaimed as he trotted off the school campus. I waved my hand back at him and walked out as well.

And then, the most delicious smell hit me.

Metaphorically, of course.

Something delicious and sweet, good to eat, probably sleep too. I sniffed around for it, not caring that I looked like some sort of odd hybrid of dog/human. And I followed the smell all the way to the edge of the school's area. A notebook was sitting innocently on a bus bench, looking as normal as a notebook could look.

But I knew better.

That notebook was baked by the _devil_.

I stalked up to the notebook and picked it up. I took a big sniff, and sighed in ecstasy as I realized I found my goal. It smelled just like the finest of cinnamon! I wanted to eat it really badly.

And before you say anything, paper does taste good with ketchup.

I looked around carefully and made sure that no one was watching, and then opened the notebook. Tearing out a sheet of paper, I eyed it preciously before placing the edge in my mouth and biting.

"Can't afford a real meal, dumbass?" A snake-like hiss asked from the side of me.

Oh _shit_.

I almost choked on the paper and then turned around to see Orochimaru looking at me in some mix of disdain/humor.

"Uh…I can explain."

"No you can't."

"I totally can! You see, there was this blond kid from the moon, and he flew away, so I went outside, and I TOTALLY smelled something delicious, and I sniffed it out, and here I am."

"…You are a complete idiot."

He had a point there.

I sniffed. "Go away and leave me to my paper."

"Don't you mean _my_ paper?"

"No, I mean _my mother's_ paper. Of course I mean my paper!"

"Look at the cover."

I looked at the cover to see in freakishly neat handwriting **Orochimaru Manda**.

"Um, fuck, my bad?"

"Yes, your bad. But keep it; the smell was beginning to get on my nerves anyway."

I almost wanted to smile at the bastard, but I had a mouth full of cinnamon tasting paper stuffed in it.

What the fuck happened to this notebook?

Ah well, it's delicious.

"I'll see you tomorrow, moron." Orochimaru said as I chomped happily on his ex-paper. I looked up and saw him get on the bus, and shrugged. Putting the rest of the notebook in my backpack, I decided to head on home.

Still chewing on cinnamon-flavored paper, mind you.

Am I stupid or something?

**END SEVEN**

Yes, the Frenchman from the moon and the snake-pwning dog are both from "OKAMI", the best one-player game since Zelda.

This has been completely edited. Hooray!


	8. Touchy

**Romantism**

Well damn, this has been revised!

**EIGHT**

_Touchy_

I have to say, time passes faster when you're under the illusion of having fun, only you think you're having fun while some snake-faced bastard is mocking your type of fun. Why? Because he sucks, that's why.

Two months passed; the spring beginning to spine in our depressed teenage lives. The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and the general presence of the overly joyful and happy season mocking the general attitudes of many irritated teenagers.

Especially mine.

And don't start asking how an unavoidable season can piss off someone as calm and serene as yours truly. You know the real reason, and it _isn't_ because I'm secretly lying about the calm and serene thing.

It was _him_, the snake-breath, girl-stealing, pretty-boy bastard.

Yes. Orochimaru was picking up more chicks than I have in my life, and he's only been here a couple of months. I mean, damn, save some for the underdogs, jerk!

The worst part is that he wasn't "picking them up" as much as they were cooing and purring over him.

So he's about the same height as the rest of them, with some _really_ long and silky hair, and completely unblemished and glowing pale skin. Was that _really_ a good reason to reject someone like me, who was a nice and strong height, with hair _just_ as long as his (but more fluffy, because some chicks dig that kind of thing), and a sexy sun-tamed tan?

I was offended. I think.

At least I still had Minato.

Man, that kid adores me, I swear. Everywhere I go, if he's in the area, he'll give me this bright smile that looked like it powered the sun itself. It was so bright and full of energy that I thought I'd melt, but I always managed to go up to the kid and ruffle those oddly organized spikes.

But right now, for instance, I couldn't exactly reach him as there was a large crowd of girls surrounding him.

I almost had to get rough, but he got to me first, thank God.

I'd hate to have to throw some lovely ladies around.

"Jiraiya!" he exclaimed, eyes brightening. I did my normal greeting of ruffling those sunshine locks, and cocked an eyebrow at all the girls.

"What's goin' on, kid?" I asked. He blushed and chuckled, grabbing my arm and swinging it idly as he grinned.

"I do tutoring, Jiraiya," he said, shaking his head at me. "All these nice young ladies need my services!"

A wave of squeals ran through the crowd when he said "services". I almost felt like smacking my forehead, but I resisted.

"Right… and why aren't there any dudes?" I wondered aloud.

Minato looked around for a good moment. "…I honestly don't know."

The poor naïve fool. I felt pity for him, at that very moment.

Ha, I'm such a liar. I was actually _really_ jealous of him.

Minato tugged at my arm. "Oh, Jiraiya! Can you do something for me?"

I sighed, knowing that I'd do whatever it was anyway and he knew it too. "What do you want?"

He blinked innocently at me, putting those baby blues to full use. "I was wondering if you could find a fellow student, about your age, who would be interested in helping me with my tutoring business? Pay _is_ involved."

Huh. That was a rather easy request. "Uh…huh. Was there a certain student in mind?"

"Ah yes, a Orochimaru Manda,"

And _BAM_, that's when I knew I was hit with an unavoidably hard request.

I groaned and slumped my shoulders. "Fine, I'll go ask the bastard,"

And Minato gave me one of his sunshine smiles. "Thank you so much Jiraiya!"

He looked like he wanted to hug me, but my manliness was holding him back, or not since the girls squealed and began to crowd around him again.

I secretly glared at him.

He had joined the dark-side of babe magnets.

I am _such_ a hater.

I grumbled all the way to English Literature, and as I cursed those blessed with the unobtainable charm that attracted girls, a realization clicked in my head.

Minato was girly looking. Orochimaru had a feminine figure.

I gasped. "Girls like guys who look like girls!" I exclaimed as I reached the door to my class. Opening the door, I walked to my seat and plopped on the chair.

It made so much sense now! Girls liked girly boys because girly boys reminded girls of girls just girly boys had penises and girls didn't.

"Damn I'm good," I said, leaning back in my chair.

"Good at looking rather idiotic, if I do say so myself,"

I have honed my ninja-skills to not freak out when Orochimaru pops up out of nowhere.

I honed them _good_.

"What's up, bastard?" I greeted, sitting up straighter in my chair.

Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow. "I do believe I'm fine. Although, you never greet me, so you must want something from me."

Ah, dead on. He's a smart one, that snaky bastard.

Or maybe I'm just dumb.

…Nah.

I run my fingers through my fluffy hair, trying to get the tangles out. "Well, I've got a friend…"

"Is it the cherubic-looking blond boy?"

Uh oh. I could see it in my head; Orochimaru was assembling his rejection gun. He already had the barrel screwed on tight

"Yeah, him. Well, he was wondering if you would be interested…" and the bullets are entering. "…in helping him."

"Helping him in _what_, exactly?" he asked, but I saw the imaginary red dot on my forehead.

"Tutoring." I said in a small voice. I think I would've pissed my pants if he freaked me out anymore.

He was pressing the trigger _really_ slowly. "Tutoring?"

"Yeah, and he wanted to know if you'd join him."

Orochimaru gazed at me lazily. "Your blond brat wants me to join him in tutoring idiots who don't study in the first place?" he asked slowly.

Damn he makes things sound worst than they really are. Why wasn't I shot down yet?

"There's a profit." I mumbled. He actually perked up at that, and I saw the gun retract a bit.

"A profit, you say?"

Oh yeah, a profit I say.

Thank god for money.

"Yep, but if you don't wanna do it, I _guess_ I'll just have to find another person smarter than you to do it…" Which, oddly enough, I had no idea where to find. He really is extremely smart.

Orochimaru leaned closer to me, him nose an inch away from mine. I didn't blink, because I was used to him dissing my personal space like so.

"Don't put words in my mouth, moron. I never said I wouldn't do it," he smirked in a way that made my blood chill. "Now, what's my new tutoring partner's name?"

I winced as the bell rang, signifying the end of break and to get to fucking class. Mr. Uchiha walked inside, smiling at all of us like normal. He began to write the opener on the board, making all the students look up to pay attention.

I leaned over to the side of Orochimaru's face. "Minato Namikaze…" I whispered in his ear and he scribbled it in perfect handwriting in his new notebook.

Then he leaned into my side, just much closer.

"I'll see you there…" he whispered in my ear.

I blinked.

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Man, what an _ass_.

**END EIGHT**

Yay, editing.


	9. Like I Care

**Romantism**

This has only been slightly edited. Like, three words were changed.

**NINE**

_Like I Care_

Progress reports.

The bane of my existence.

The reasons are pretty damn obvious. I mean, seriously, you had to've caught on at _some_ point during this dull story telling!

It isn't too much fun to work your ass off studying, only to notice that your grade isn't exactly getting as high as it is dropping. Especially if that class is one of your weaker spots, like, I dunno, MATH.

Trigonometry?

HELL NO.

"Mr. Kaeru, here's _your_ progress report." My homeroom teacher sniped, handing me a crisp, new sheet of paper with letters and numbers all mixed up to form a pretty, perky, progress report.

Sakumo looked over at my paper. "What'd you get, Jiraiya?" he asked curiously.

I gulped. "Not good grades." And that's all I said.

"Aww, c'mon, lemme see!" he whined, grabbing at the paper. I held it up high, grinning.

"I'd like to see you get it _now_," I taunted.

The paper was snatched from my hand. "Whoa, Jira, these grades aren't too good looking." Tsunade commented, cocking an eyebrow in amazement.

"Wha- how- huh?" I sputtered, trying to get my paper back. Sakumo leaned over me and tipped the paper over, looking at the godforsaken grades in interest.

"What's this?" he purred. "Looks like a new low for you, Jira!"

"A new low _grade_ you mean!" Tsunade cooed back.

And they laughed at the same time.

I was thoroughly creeped out.

"You guys are asses," I grumbled, snatching my paper back. "My math teacher quite obviously hates me."

"Sure he does. I'm sure Danzou-sensei has a good reason for it too."

I flushed. "All I did was tease his lack of a right arm a little." I muttered.

Sakumo cocked an eyebrow. "A _little_?" he asked skeptically.

"Okay, maybe a little more than a little."

"_Maybe_?"

"All right! I made fun of his lack of a right arm and his missing eye!"

"God, you're such an asshole."

"_Kaeru Jiraiya, please report to the counseling office. Repeat; Kaeru Jiraiya, please report to the counseling office._"

Tsunade smirked. "That 19 out of a 100 was quite impressive. It caught the attention of even the counselors."

"Mmm, and let's not forget that 23 in Gym!"

"Oh _no_, that was way too important."

"What's that, progress report? You said he's got a 54 in Chemistry?!"

And they laughed some more.

When did they get to be such assholes?

Oh yeah. When they GREW UP.

"Ahh, screw you guys," I replied, getting up. "I got a date with the counseling center."

--

"Mr. Kaeru, I suppose that you already know why you are here, correct?"

No, I'm in here because you guys are going to give me a magical special award for being the most special and smartest student in the world.

Of _course_ I know why I'm in here, _dumbasses _(but, oh the irony of my name calling).

"Yes sir," I grumbled, crossing my arms angrily.

The old, stick-up-the-ass strict counselor sniffed haughtily. "Indeed you do, despite not doing anything to stop it."

"Yes sir."

"Now, is there anything going on at home or in your life that might have any affect on your grades?"

Well, let's see, yesterday, the worst thing _ever_ happened to me, since my newest issue of Playboy got wet and the ink was all smeared and shit. Oh, and my dad took me fishing a few days ago, and I _really_ hate fishing.

Yeah, it's a hard knock life.

"No sir, not at all."

"So whose responsibility is this for these horrible grades, Mr. Kaeru?"

God's, sir.

"Mine sir."

"I'm glad to know you acknowledge this. But, what I cannot process is how you can fail every class except AP Literature, which you over-excel at with a 110!"

"What can I say? I _really_ like to write."

"An admirable trait, but not good enough. I'm sorry, but you need extra help."

"Yes sir?"

"I'm going to speak with your homeroom teacher to assign you to a tutor. Maybe then something good will come out of that bleached head of yours."

I sighed. Again with the 'Oh, you have bleached hair because being prematurely gray-headed is IMPOSSIBLE' accusations? Do I have to pull down my pants, because I don't think I'd feel too comfortable with that.

"Yes sir."

"Now go back to class."

Gladly, Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass.

"Yes sir."

--

"So, Jiraiya, how was your visit to the counselor's office? Did you _fail_ to show Mr. Moto your smarter traits?"

"Yeah, did you _eff_ up?"

"Ha! Good one Tsunade!"

"High-five!"

And they happily smacked their hands together, laughing gaily.

I scowled. "_Fuck. You._" I muttered, glaring heatedly.

"Aww, don't like that, Jira!"

"We only wanted to make you laugh!"

"HA HA, okay I'm done. Now fuck off." I crossed my arms angrily, scowling at my desk. Sakumo and Tsunade sat next to me on opposite sides, looking serious.

"Okay, seriously, what happened with Mr. Moto?"

"You've been looking more pissed than usual ever since you came back from him."

I sigh, loosening my arms. "He wants to assign me to a tutor." I finally said.

Tsunade stared at me. "That's all?" she demanded. "No threats of expulsion? No angry calls to the parents? No ninja missions?"

"No, no, and why the hell would I get ninja missions from the counseling center?!" This girl is crazy or something, I swear.

"Hey, you'd never know with a high school."

Sakumo rolled his eyes. "ANYWAY, what's so bad about getting a tutor?"

I looked at him in horror. "Do you guys know who the most sought-out and successful tutors in this school _are_?" I hissed.

"Those guys, uh, let's see, what're their names… uhhhh, Sakumo, help please!"

"God and Jesus?"

"Yeah, God and Jesus."

I scowl. "No, it isn't God and Jesus, you assholes. It's Minato and Orochimaru! They're so popular and smart it's impossible for the teachers to _not_ choose them as the happy humpy helpers for my apparently ineffective education!" I gasped. "Wait, what if I get _Orochimaru_ out of the two?! He'll spend more time taunting and making jabs at my intelligence than tutoring me! And I'll only get _stupider_!"

My two friends just stared at me.

"Well, at least he admits he's stupid."

"Hey, you're right Sakumo!"

I smacked my forehead in unveiled 'OMFG'-ness. "C'mon guys, I need some reassurance that I won't get Orochimaru!"

Tsunade nodded. "Of course! We are absolutely positive that you won't get Orochimaru, despite how he really _is_ the best choice."

"The _best_ choice." Sakumo chipped in.

"The greatest of choices."

"The ultimate overlord of choices."

"The God of choices."

"The CHOICE of choices."

"Okay, I get it!" I snap. "He's pretty fuckin' smart!"

The blonde girl shrugged. "Well, maybe you really won't get him as a tutor."

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe."

--

A few hours later, Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass held a bony hand in the direction of one snake-faced bastard.

"This is your new tutor, Kaeru," he announced. "Manda Orochimaru."

"Hey," Snaky McBastardface hissed with a smirk. He held out his hand. "Pleased to meet your acquaintance."

I scowled. "Likewise." I said, gripping his hand as tight as possible. "I'll have a blast working with you."

Our gazes met, and they conveyed the truth we daren't speak to Mr. Moto.

His eyes were all "Why, hello again idiot. Looks like your dumbassery has reached a whole new level since they actually had to go out and _find_ me."

And mine replied "Oh shut the fuck up and you know where you can stick it, Creepy von Fuckface."

Outside, though, we were all scowls and smiles at the same time.

Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass patted both our backs. "I'm sure you two will get along fine!" he crowed, smiling specifically at Orochimaru.

"Oh yessssss," he replied evilly. "I'm _positive_ we will."

Oh I hate you so much you snake-lipped bastard.

I hate you _lots_.

**END NINE**

Woo.


	10. Tutor

**Romantism**

I'm editing over all the other chapters, so I'd like it if you looked over them and see if you like those better. When I say edit, I mean completely rewritten.

You might like them way better than before.

**TEN**

_Tutor_

Whoever created math should be shot in the mouth three plus four times, divided by nine and don't forget to carry the one.

I'm serious, this bastard here is trying to teach me, but I just plain don't understand.

"Jiraiya!" Orochimaru snapped, making me look drearily up at him. "Can you please pay attention?!"

Uh, _no_?

"No thanks," I yawned. "Math is much too difficult for me."

Oh yeah, way to give up.

The black-haired teen sneered at me. "Somehow, I think calling you an idiot would not rile you up now. Tell me if I'm wrong, please."

"Nah, you're right, like always. Can I take a nap?"

He bopped me on the head. "No! I'm being paid to make you learn, and you _damn well_ better know the multiplication table by heart by the time I'm done with you!" he hissed.

I sat up a little straighter. "Look man," I attempted to reason. "I'm no good at math. Believe me when I say I can't do long division to _save my life_. It's just not going to work out."

He smirked back. "And this is why _I'm_ here. You're going to know how to do way more than long division by the end of this week."

I frowned. "Dude, do you even know who you're talking to?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes. A complete dumbass, but I'll ignore that for the time being."

I had to laugh.

I can almost believe him.

--

"Why the FUCK do we need to use fucking letters in fucking MATH?" I demanded angrily, snapping my pencil in half. "It's, like, fucking NUMBERS!"

"Calm down, moron," Orochimaru replied calmly. "The letters represent numbers as variables, and the point is to use the numbers we have to see what the number under the variable."

"So we're playing fucking hide-and-go-seek with fucking numbers?"

"_No_, we're trying to solve the variable—"

"Sounds like hide-and-go-fucking-seek to me. So, what? Do we count to fifteen and hope that's the number?"

"Look moron, I'm trying to help you here."

My eye twitched as I looked at the math book between us. "What the FUCK is that?" I yelped, pointing at an equation that was made up of _only_ letters.

What the hell is that supposed to be?!

"That might be a little too difficult for you…"

"Naw, you _think_?"

"Shut up, idiot. Now, let's go back to number 38. The equation is quite simple, okay?"

"The hell it is!"

"Shut UP. All right," he pointed a long, pale finger at the math problem. "This says _x_ + 9 equals 18 – 2_x_. Now, we just have to find out what _x_ is, okay?"

"And how the hell shall we do that, Sherlock?" I asked sarcastically.

Orochimaru snickered. "It's actually elementary, my dear Watson. Seriously, this is simple algebra."

Oh, and that's supposed to make it so much better or something?

"All right, give me a moment." I replied. I stood up and turned my back to him, feeling his golden eyes on me the entire time. I closed my eyes. "One, two, three, four—"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

I opened my eyes, looking back at him. "Finding _x_, bastard." I replied. "Now, shut up, I have to count to fifteen and hope it's the magic number. Writing is so much easier than this shit, I _swear_."

Orochimaru looked like he wanted to bludgeon me with the math book, but then an unholy light came to his eyes.

"I think I can work with that," he said aloud, tapping his chin in thought. He ripped a sheet of paper out his notebook hurriedly. "You like to write, right?"

"Um, yeah, I love it." I answered uncertainly.

"Great. This means that you should be rather closely acquainted with the alphabet then."

"Oh yeah, ABC, XYZ, love all of it."

"Which letter is first, then?"

"A, of course."

"And where is X?"

"The twenty-fourth letter in the English alphabet, of course."

Orochimaru was almost smiling. "How many letters in the alphabet are there?"

"Twenty-six."

"And how many numbers exist?"

Who the fuck does he think I am?! Einstein?

"I don't know, a _lot_?"

"Precisely," he said. He quickly scribbled the alphabet on the sheet of notebook paper, looking at me hardly. "Now, which letter is the ninth one?"

That was easy. "I, duh."

"Oh this is _great_. Okay, and which one is the eighteenth one?"

"Hmm, that'd be R."

"_Right_! So, which one is the second one?"

"B." I hope he isn't calling me illiterate or something. I'd really hate to have to throttle him.

The snake-faced bastard wrote the letters **RIB** in big letters, pointing at them excitedly. "How many letters are in that word?" he demanded.

I scoffed. "Three, bastard."

And he smiled.

I'm serious.

He smiled an honest to God smile, with teeth showing and everything.

It was scary as _hell_.

"Can you, I dunno, stop smiling?" I asked as nicely as possible. "You look kind of freaky."

The smile dropped. "Shut up," he snapped, but it had a happier than normal tone to it. "That's the answer right there, don't you see?"

Wait, _what_? "You mean three?" I asked.

Orochimaru nodded. He scribbled a bunch of shit next to the equation.

"When it comes down to it," he was explaining. "The only logical answer is three. It cannot be two, because B can't go into I or R, so they can only come together to become rib, which is a three letter word skillfully incorporated to be the liable answer!"

"I don't know what the hell you just said, but it sounded like I got the answer!" I said happily.

"You did, idiot. You really did."

Holy shit.

I think I deserve a prize.

"Do I get a prize?!" I asked excitedly.

The bastard looked at me blandly. "Uh, yes. You get to do the next problem by yourself."

Well that's not a very fulfilling prize at all.

But…I think I can handle it.

--

"I think I love you, man…" I muttered wistfully as I stared at my homework, which for the first time ever was actually completely correct.

I felt so excited, that I wanted to do something drastic.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked sweetly. I think I deserved it, even if I am straight.

"No." Orochimaru deadpanned.

"Come on!" I whined. "Just one kiss! I heard smartness is like an STD or Mono!"

He put his books in his backpack. "And I _know_ stupidity is contagious. So, the answer is still no, idiot."

What a tight-ass. And that was kinda harsh, too…

"It's just a kiss," I muttered. "It's not like you haven't done it before…"

I received no answer.

My eyes widened to the size of pans probably as I stared at resident pretty-boy bastard who could get any girl he wanted just by breathing.

"No fucking way…"

"Shut the hell up, Jiraiya," the black-haired teen warned. "I'm not going to go there with you."

"You're like—"

"I mean it; I'll make you regret it!"

"—a mouth virgin!"

He grinded his teeth together angrily as his face flushed and he clenched his fists very tightly.

This was _rich_.

"Even _I_'ve gotten a kiss before," I said with a gleeful grin. "This is too unbelievable!"

"Last chance to shut the fuck up, Jiraiya, or _else_."

"Right, and I'm supposed to take someone who's never even kissed before seriously. Uh huh, okay."

In a flash, Orochimaru had grabbed the collar of my T-shirt and pushed me roughly to the edge of the desk, glaring fiercely into my wide eyes.

"I warned you, Jiraiya," he hissed.

And he pressed his lips onto mine.

"Mrrmm!" I mumbled, trying to get out of his IRON MAN grip. Geez, for someone so weak looking, he sure could hold someone down for the count.

Jesus Christ on a stick, there was _tongue_!

"MMRRMRMMM! MMRRMRMM!" I tried to yell, but he just wouldn't let go.

I scowled and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him away as roughly as possible.

"What the FUCK was that?" I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

He wiped his lips with the back of his hand, breathing heavily as well.

"Your kiss," he replied in a snarky manner. "And your punishment for being such an ass."

"But was that _really_ necessary?" I growled, straightening my wrinkled shirt.

He shrugged, shouldering his backpack. "You tell me," he retorted. And he walked out the library confidently, as though he did not just completely attack my mouth.

I wiped my mouth repeatedly as I got my own backpack and made way out the library.

Well, I learned more than math today.

And one of those lessons is simple.

Orochimaru is the tongue-kisser from _hell_.

**END TEN**

If Orochimaru's math explanation sounds like bullshit, then it is bullshit. I cannot do math to save my fucking _life_. I had to take Pre-Algebra _twice_, I'm that stupid.

If it doesn't sound like bullshit, then it's still bullshit.

And don't try to explain the math basics to me, either. I honestly do not give a damn.

I hoped you all liked the edited chapters. And the "WTF"-kiss in this one. (Personally, I LOVE the "WTF"-kiss.)


	11. No Laughing!

**Romantism**

I'm trying to see how many chapters of fics I can update before I go to sleep.

Total quota: One out of god knows.

Oh, and did I ever mention how this fic takes place in the late eighties in America? No? Well, you should've noticed. It's pretty obvious.

**ELEVEN**

_My Day as Orochimaru's Bitch_

I think I've brushed my teeth at least five times this morning.

The taste of saliva that isn't mine is _still_ in my godforsaken mouth! It's like, so I get mouth raped, and then I go home and rape the mouthwash in response, and then I go to sleep, where I am mouth raped in my _dreams_ (did I say dreams? I totally meant nightmares), and then I wake up still tasting Orochimaru's tongue, and I finally brush my teeth. Repeatedly.

_Does nothing work_?

I threw my toothbrush in the sink, angrily, and stomped out the bathroom. After stalking to my living room, I sprawled out on my incredibly comfy couch in nothing but my boxers and turned on the TV to some Saturday morning cartoons.

Even Pound Puppies help at this moment.

So I just sit there, hugging the couch cushions and watching a show I shouldn't even be watching because it's kind of embarrassing, and then the phone rings.

One ring, two ring, obnoxious ring, annoying ring.

Sometimes people just don't know when to give up.

I don't answer the phone, choosing to watch Pound Puppies instead.

"_Hey, you've reached Jiraiya. I'm not here at the moment, so please hang up and don't even bother leaving a message. Unless you're a woman and you're hot, then you can leave as many messages as you want. And Tsunade, you don't count, so don't even try._ BEEP."

"_Jiraiya, I'm going to fuck you up so bad your grandkids will feel the burn._" Tsunade's irked voice said through the phone's speaker. "_I know you're there, Jiraiya. You don't exactly have a life, and the Pound Puppies aren't your friend like that. Answer the damn phone!_"

"Jesus Christ," I muttered, yawning. "How do those damn dogs never get caught?"

"_Don't ignore me!_"

"Already done." I leaned across and turned up the volume, dead set on ignoring society today.

"_I thought I said--_!" and the message length was cut off. Thanks Panasonic for being so damn half-assed.

I relax once more, watching those mutts frolic about avoiding the antagonists.

After a while, though, I got bored and got up to get some food. Wandering into my kitchen, I poke my head into a bare cupboard and sneeze at the sheer amount of dust inside. The refrigerator isn't faring much better, since I think the ice has gone on strike.

Grocery shopping? Very yes.

The door started knocking as soon as I was about to get dressed, and I cursed the heavens for not acknowledging my need for Saturday Privacy.

_Knock, knock_

"I'm coming!" I yelled, rubbing at my neck in irritation. "Shut the hell up!"

_Knock, knock_

"Oh my FUCKING God!" I wrenched open the door, glaring at whatever came in front of me first.

"Hello idiot."

I slammed the door shut. "Go away!" I shouted.

"Open the door, moron." Orochimaru hissed through the wooden barrier that is my door. "It's rude to leave a guest standing outside in the cold rain."

I scoffed. "It isn't raining, bastard."

"Check your window."

So I did.

Huh.

It really is raining. And pretty hard, by the looks of it.

So I went to open the door, but then I remembered the entire 'I live in an apartment' thing. "You're in the fucking hallway!" I snapped.

"How long did it take you to figure _that_ out?" I could _hear_ the bastard rolling his eyes. "Dumbass."

"Fuck you!"

"If you don't let me in _right now_, I'll make a scene."

Him? Make a scene? "You don't have the guts," I growled.

"Oh really?" Orochimaru sucked in an obnoxiously loud breath.

He started banging on the door.

"Open the damn door, Jiraiya!" he cried, his voice high pitched and obviously meant to sound like a woman. "You never answer my calls anymore! You're always avoiding me! Was it really a one-time thing? You told me you loved me!"

"The _fuck_?" I said, very scared.

The banging became louder.

"If I had known you were such a jerk, I would've never had passionate, hot sex with you!" Orochimaru continued, making sobbing sounds. "Open the door and face me like a man! I'm sorry for ever loving you!"

Okay. This is _really_ weird.

The banging stopped and I heard a faint thump against the wood, and then another woman's voice.

"Jiraiya!" Oh shit, it was my mangy old neighbor. I should've known better than to let any associate of mine get loud when _she's_ around. "Open this door! This sweet young woman has just had her heart broken and you want to act cold and ignore her?! Not on my watch!"

I heaved a sigh and cracked open the door.

"Granny," I growled. "That ain't a girl."

"And now you want to _insult_ women?" my neighbor hissed. She threw open my door and pushed Orochimaru inside, who held his head down while sobbing quietly. "Sweetheart, just come to apartment number 32 if he bothers you again." She glared at me. "And I'll be _watching_ you, Jiraiya."

When she left, I slammed the door closed and stuck my tongue out at her.

Orochimaru abruptly stopped sobbing.

"Well," he murmured. "That was quite fun. I think I'll do it again sometime."

"Oh HELL no," I snapped, crossing my arms against my bare chest. "Now she suspicious that I'm some sort of playboy that pimps out girls!"

"It was that convincing?" he replied thoughtfully. "I should become an actor."

"No, you should tell me why the fuck you're here and how the hell did you get my address!"

The black-haired girly-boy waved a hand in dismissal. "Tsunade gave me twenty dollars to come and take you to the mall. She said your fashion sense is severely lacking. And I must say I agree." He gave my half naked body a look over, cocking an eyebrow.

I blushed. "Stop staring at me!" I whined, trying to cover my line of white pubic hair in the least. There's no telling what the hell this guy might be planning.

"Right." He looked around. "Your living space smells like male."

"…I think I have a penis, so _yeah_."

"It's disgusting. Try using scented candles."

"Scented candles are for homosexuals."

"Then what's stopping you?"

I don't even remember attempting to tackle him, but I do remember lying flat on my back in daze, staring up at the bastard who stood over me in his fashionably purple sweater.

"Get up, get dressed, and let's go," he said blandly, kicking at my chest lightly.

Who's the bitch now?

I wish it wasn't me.

--

"I hate the color green," I muttered, hands deep in my pockets. My hair was wet from the rain, and my gray t-shirt stuck to my body in the humidity of the un-air-conditioned mall.

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Then, pray tell, what's a color that you actually _like_?" he asked, putting away a green spandex set. I don't even know why he _thought_ I'd wear something like that.

"Red."

"Hmmm, to match your fashionable birthmarks?"

"No, because I think it looks good on me."

He made a humming sound, moving about the rows of clothing. "Are you into the Hip Hop scene?" he asked, holding up an Adidas brand red jogging suit.

"Uh, _no_?"

"Just as I thought. What about New Wave?" Tight leather pants this time.

"New Wave isn't even cool anymore." I replied, waving the pants away. "In the nineties, I bet half this shit we're into now won't even be _acknowledged_ anymore."

"Really?" he asked, clearly uninterested. "And since we're not in the nineties quite yet, then why don't you simply shut up and choose a theme of clothing you'd actually wear."

"Ah, you first." I grumbled, leaning in over him and shifting through the clothes. I pulled out a red vest. "I'd wear this."

Orochimaru glanced at it in disgust. "I suppose you would. Anything else?" he inquired, looking away from the faded red vest.

I found a semi-sleeved black shirt. "I want this." I said, adding it to the vest.

The black-haired teen pulled out a pair of black jeans immediately after. "Now I won't have to watch you make a fashion faux-pas out of yourself with this combination," he explained. "Since black _does_ go with everything."

"Except brown." I added.

"Okay, except brown, but it's a pretty general shade."

So we finally agreed on something.

There's a first time to everything.

"Wait," I said, stopping him. "How the hell are these things supposed to get paid for?"

"Tsunade gave me fifty dollars for your wardrobe. The other money is to go to your…grocery shopping?"

I smiled. I shouldn't have ignored her.

I frowned again. "Wait, why were we in the Sale section then?" I demanded.

"I am very cheap and did not feel like searching this entire store for _crap_ like your wardrobe." Orochimaru deadpanned, walking towards the counter to pay for the clothes.

Gee. Thanks. I feel so loved.

The male cashier barely spared us a look as we paid, choosing to instead smack on bubblegum almost obnoxiously while he counted all the money transacted by hand.

"I fucking hate this," he growled, popping the bubble. "There needs to be a _machine_ or something for this kind of calculator shit."

Orochimaru just hummed, taking the change received and handing me the bag roughly.

"Bastard," I grumbled, nodding at the cashier in my exit.

--

"Do you _have_ to stand so close to me?" I grouched as I stood in front of the fruit section of the grocery store, trying to pick out some bananas.

I love bananas.

Any gay/sex jokes will be severely underappreciated.

Orochimaru rolled his golden eyes, reaching across me to pick out some apples. "We're looking for the same things here," he answered. "Besides we're both guys, so why are you so uncomfortable?"

I huffed. "I'm uncomfortable _because_ we're both guys. People are looking at us strangely and those girls have been staring at us for five minutes. They are _really_ freaking me out."

"Ignore them, then."

It's not that simple, asshole.

I sighed and grabbed a particularly firm and healthy bunch of bananas. At the same time, Orochimaru finished getting the apples, so we turned around at about the same time.

The girls were standing in front of us.

Can you say _heart attack_?

"Are you a guy?" one girl with purple hair asked Orochimaru. She couldn't have _possibly_ been more than eleven.

I snickered, but the bastard threw me a dirty look.

So I decided on puffing out my cheeks in an effort not to laugh.

"Yes, I am," he answered. "And what of it?"

"Is that your homosexual lover?" she pointed at me.

He friend smacked her arm. "Anko!" she whispered fiercely. "You don't just _say_ things like that to strangers!"

Anko pouted, rubbing her arm. "But Kurenai…!" she whined. "They had it coming! Standing so close and picking out bananas! So, Mister Lady, is that your fag-boy or what?"

I saw his eyebrow twitch slightly and his lips thinned into a line.

I couldn't help but laugh.

He glared at me. "Yes, he is my homosexual lover," he replied, taking my arm in his. "He is actually my bitch."

I stopped laughing.

What?

"What?" I demanded. "I am NOT your bitch! If anyone's the bitch here, it's YOU!"

"He denies it because it's true."

"Oh, and who pretends to be a girl just to get into my apartment while I'm half naked?!"

Anko nudged Kurenai. "Told ya," she whispered. "They've got fag written _all_ over them."

I turned to her angrily. "Shut it, brat!" I snapped.

Orochimaru grabbed my hand forcefully. "I apologize ladies, but we must cut this conversation short," he said with a creepy, _creepy_ smile. "My bitch and I must go pick out some meat."

"Threesome?" Kurenai asked her purple-haired friend curiously. How do these kids even _know_ terms like that?!

Anko crossed her arms. "I _think_ so…" she replied seriously. "My mommy says that homosexuals have no morals. She said that they lick roosters when they want to make kids."

I don't even want to know.

--

"Thanks for ruining my life, bastard." I grumbled as we put up the groceries. "Now everyone at that store thinks I'm gay."

"And?" he replied, restocking the refrigerator. "I care again why?"

"Damn you."

"Indeed."

It was silent as we continued working, and then Orochimaru surprisingly spoke first.

"Did you know you're actually kind of fun?" he said quietly.

I cocked a white eyebrow. "Uh, yeah. Why?"

"No reason." And the quiet returned.

I frowned in thought.

"Well," I muttered. "Did you know you're kinda fun too?"

"No." He looked at me. "Any reason why?"

I flashed him a bright grin. "No reason."

He blinked and turned back to his work.

But I saw a smile tugging at his lips.

I grinned as I put shit in the cupboards, happy for some odd reason.

"You know, bastard…" I said, looking over at him. "I think we can actually be friends."

Orochimaru smirked.

"I think so too."

**END ELEVEN**

Thank god this chapter is over.

And yeah, it really does take place in the eighties. 1988, to be exact. Things weren't that different back then. There was only a lack of PCs (they weren't processed nearly as much as they are now) and cashiers had to count money by hand, and they HAD to be truthful. I know shit like this not because I was actually born in 1992, but because my sister is 35 and went to high school during the eighties. Convenient, huh?

But, yeah, the gayness is spreading in this story. And Jiraiya IS Orochimaru's bitch. For now, at least. (Not OroJira. Never will be.)


	12. Nine in the Afternoon

**Romantism**

Okay, so maybe I'm so bored that I'm even updating stories that usually don't get updated until after a two-week period. Sue me.

If you don't believe that this is based in the 1980s', then whatever. It can be based in the 2020s' in your imagination for all I care, just as long as you like this story.

**TWELVE**

_Nine in the Afternoon_

"Hi Jiraiya!"

"Why the FUCK did you give that creep my address?"

Tsunade looked taken aback, a hand covering her mouth in surprise. "You mean…you didn't give him your address?" she asked, shocked.

I blinked. "Huh?" I replied stupidly. "What the hell are you talking about? He told me you gave him my address." But wait, he could be a stalker for all I know… "Un_less_…"

"Shut up, idiot." Orochimaru said blandly, materializing out of thin air. "It's called the school directory. Apparently it knows where you sleep at night."

My eye twitched. "I need an alarm of some sort for every time you show up." I muttered, scratching my lightly stubble-brushed chin grouchily.

Tsunade looked at him. "Orochimaru, you told me you knew his address already!" she said accusingly. "Why would you tell him I told you?"

"Because I did know his address already and he would think I was creepy and try and punch me. He's quite predictable."

I scowled. I'm right here, jerk.

I'm going to kick this creep's ass.

"So?" I snapped, roughly poking Orochimaru in the chest. "I still think you're creepy and I'm still going to punch you!" I'm not kidding. Although, I vaguely remember an experience where I tried to attack him and lost.

I'm sure it was my imagination.

"I'd like to see you try." The snake-eyed bastard replied in a bored tone, crossing his black-sleeved arms.

I looked at him for a moment. "Damn, did you know you look good in a turtleneck?" I asked without really thinking. Then I smacked my hand over my mouth in horror, blinking furiously.

Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow. "…Right," he replied slowly. "Well, if you aren't going to follow up with your weak threat, I'll be going now. "

I blushed, scowling. "Hell no! You're going down _right here_!" I growled, cracking my knuckles.

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Look guys, I don't think—"

"Shhh!" Sakumo shushed, grinning. "Jiraiya's about to get his ass kicked! And I love a good utterly one-sided fight, don't you?"

I twitched. Their faith was suffocating.

The black-haired teenager in front of me blew an especially long bang of hair out of his face. He didn't look entertained, or even interested.

I hate it when he looks down on me like that. So I threw a punch at his face, but he caught it in a palm easily.

I cocked my head in question. What the hell was he playing at, trying to actually fight back? I called punch! He fucking deserves it!

"You must be kidding me," he said, a thin eyebrow raised. The bastard jerked my fist back, making me fall forward.

"Shit!" I cursed, hitting the ground. I heard him scoff above me, and saw his feet prepare to move away.

"I told you it was really one-sided." Sakumo said jokingly.

I scowled and shot out my arm, grabbing Orochimaru's ankle roughly. I pulled it towards me and made him fall on the ground suddenly, and his face was ridiculously amusing.

I stood up, grinning. "Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean I've gotta treat you like one." I said, brushing the dust off my knees.

He kicked out underneath my legs.

I fell again.

"Don't get cocky, idiot." Orochimaru hissed, standing up.

I huffed, rolling my eyes. "You should've just let me punch you, and then we wouldn't be in this predicament." I stood up as well, cracking my neck which had gotten a little crick during the fall.

"What kind of moron let's someone just _punch_ them?" he sniffed. "Uncultured barbarian."

"Stuck-up prick!"

"Sexist pig."

"Feminine Joanie!"

"Slow-reacting junkie."

"Creepy crackpot!"

Tsunade groaned. "Jesus Christ, will both of you just _shut up_?"

We shut up, glaring at each other.

"You're acting gayer than fruitcake!" Sakumo said, shaking his head in shame. "If you're going to have a bitch fight, at least wait until afterschool. The bell's about to ring."

I opened my mouth to tell him off about the whole gay thing, but then the bell rang loudly.

Orochimaru shouldered past me, sniffing in offense.

I should be offended, if anything.

The jerk.

--

"I don't feel like participating."

Tazuna's eye twitched. "Why _not_, Girly One?" he asked slowly.

"When you call me something besides my name, I hate sports even more."

"Okay then, why the hell don't you want to play basketball, _Manda_?"

Orochimaru smiled. "I hate basketball. It's utterly unexciting."

"What?!" Tazuna roared, slamming the ball on the ground so hard that it bounced right back up and into the bastard's arms. I snickered from the sidelines, leaning on the bleachers.

The gym teacher looked at me. "Jiraiya!" he snapped. "Convince your girly friend here to play basketball! I'll give you an 'A' if you do!"

"Why do you care so much?" I asked, scratching my head in boredom.

The man huffed. "I hate his rebellious attitude. He hasn't joined in on a sport _yet_, and the school year's going to be over in a few weeks! This needs to be done, or my title as a gym teacher means _nothing_!"

If that isn't bullshit, I don't know _what_ is.

Orochimaru and I blinked as the man walked, or stomped, away, pretty much confused.

I turned to the black-haired bastard. "Play basketball." I commanded, and turned back around.

"No."

I turned around again in exasperation. "Why not?" I asked, annoyed.

"Like I said, I hate basketball."

"And I hate you, but look at me!" I yawned. "C'mon, just get one ball in the damn basket and then leave. Is that so hard?"

"I don't want anything to do with basketball. You aren't even vaguely convincing me to want to play."

I glared. I really need that 'A'.

"Okay…" I mused aloud. "How about this? If you play basketball today, and _win_…you get one free favor from me. It can be anything that doesn't involve my virginity."

He gave me a weird look. "You're still a virgin?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

I smacked myself on the forehead. I had that coming. "Not the point, bastard!" I growled quietly, leaning closer to him. "Are you going to play or what?"

"This favor can be _anything_ right?"

Jesus. I do not like the sound of this. "Uh, yeah. No sex, fag!"

"Wouldn't even _dream_ of it."

I grinned, holding out my hand. "Remember, you've got to _win_." I said sleazily. I could make a _great_ con-artist.

Orochimaru smirked back, grabbing my hand. "No problem."

We'll see girly-man. We'll see.

--

I don't think I'll ever need to see proof of Orochimaru's overwhelmingly convenient skills again.

Not only is he an academic genius, but he's _also_ a sports ninja?

Life is overwhelmingly unfair.

Which is exactly why I'm happily avoiding Orochimaru (see: favor) as much as possible.

"Jiraiya…" Minato began slowly. "Are you aware that you're hiding underneath my desk? School's kind of over."

I chuckled. "Oh Minato, don't you understand the dynamics of teenagers and how they tick? Aren't you sixteen as well?"

The blond gave me an amused look. "Jiraiya…I'm twelve."

I blinked.

Fuck the what now?

"What?!" I roared, practically flying from underneath his desk. "Why'd you never tell me you were ridiculously smart to the point where you're only a grade under me despite being way younger?!"

"I don't know…I just thought you knew."

My eye twitched. "Well now I do!" I grumbled, sitting on top of his desk in anger. "Damn it kid, I _thought_ you looked a little young! Now I know you're not girly, like Orochimaru. You just haven't hit puberty."

"Gee…thanks."

"No problem."

"Idiot, what are you doing in here and being so loud?"

I paused, looking around slowly. "Oh…Orochimaru." I squeaked. "Uh, fancy bumping into you here."

Orochimaru scoffed. "Don't try me, Jiraiya," he replied. "I already know that you're trying to avoid me."

I laughed nervously. "Now where'd you get a silly idea like that?" I asked with a grin.

"Maybe from the fact that you're trying to climb out the window while I'm staring right at you?"

I looked down. "How the hell did I get here?" I asked incredulously. Then I shrugged. "Well, since I've already started, I should finish it, don't ya think?" And I jumped out the first-floor window, running like a marathon was on my ass.

Orochimaru must've stuck his head through the window. "My favor is five more favors!" he yelled after me, making me trip over a misplaced blade of grass on the school's damned lawn.

I groaned.

I guess I deserved this.

--

When I got home, after suffering a few suspicious looks and more than a few accusing questions from my mangy old neighbor, I immediately locked the door.

There's no telling _where_ the creep might be.

So I went about with my normal afternoon/evening.

I eat, watch TV, eat some more, press weights, watch TV again, write, consider doing homework, don't do the homework in favor of watching more TV, shower, and then I sleep.

Somewhere between considering doing homework (it's almost the end of the year, jerks! Give me a fucking break!) and not doing the homework, there was a knock at my door.

I checked the clock. 8:51.

Only Girls Scouts were so damn bold.

I slowly crept to the door quietly and threw it open. "Rawr!" I crowed, making a scary face while curling my fingers like claws. "I eat children!"

I opened one eye.

Orochimaru stared at me.

I slowly brought my arms down, sobering my face.

He still stared.

I coughed into my hand.

He kept staring.

"Err…" I said, embarrassed.

He shook his head, bringing himself out of whatever trance he was in. "Right…" he replied, crossing his arms.

I moved out the way. "Are you coming in or what?" I hissed, not wanting to continue standing around like an idiot.

"Sure, it's not like you're going to eat me or anything." I scowled. There's this feeling in me that he won't be letting that go for a while.

He walked in with an air that better fitted an overconfident queen.

I don't think I'm too far off the mark.

"So…" I started, closing the door and locking it. "What's up?"

"I'm staying the night."

Huh?

What?

"The hell?" I replied disbelievingly. "What are you talking about? I never invited you—"

_Shit_.

Damn you Tazuna. Damn you to hell!

"Consider it a favor." Orochimaru said smugly.

I sputtered. "But…but…_why_?" I whined, controlling the urge to stomp my foot on the ground.

"I obviously want to."

I rolled my eyes, passionately. What an Orochimaru-like response, which is ironic, considering how I'm talking with Orochimaru right now.

When'd I start getting all smart-assed with myself?

Oh, when I met Orochimaru. Right.

"What're the chances of you going away?"

"Very low. As much of a chance of a Girl Scout coming to your door at nine in the afternoon."

That got a smile outta me. "I wasn't too far off." I teased. He sniffed, insulted, and elbowed me roughly in the stomach. I feel to my knees, gasping. "Jesus! It was only a joke!"

"I'm going to take a shower."

Was this guy obnoxious or _what_?

"Hold on!" I commanded, getting off the ground shakily. "Just, let me get one thing clear!"

He looked back at me. "What?"

I grinned. "If you spend the night tonight, you can't make anymore 'I want more favors' favors." I said. "You've got to take what you can get, man. That's how life works."

Orochimaru looked pensive.

I can't believe I'm hoping he spends the night.

"Whatever." He walked into the bathroom.

I smiled, leaning against my couch, shaking my head.

"That guy…" I muttered fondly. "He's...so..."

Then I heard the water from the shower.

Oh shit.

I blinked. "Wait!" I yelled, scrambling towards the bathroom. "Don't use up all the hot water! I've got a _really_ limited amount!"

"What was that?" he called back over the spray of the water. I saw wisps of steam coming out from under the door.

I hit my forehead on the bathroom door repeatedly.

I _can't_ believe I wanted him to spend the night.

--

A good twenty minutes later, the door finally opened.

I was hit face-first with a bona-fide wave of steam.

My right eyebrow ticked.

"Why'd you get out?" I asked carefully, my arms twitching in PUNCHING action.

Orochimaru looked at me, wearing nothing but a towel, with his hair still wet and sleek and shiny and…and…and…guh.

Yeah.

He'd make a _very_ good woman. Or else I'm gay.

Let's…go with the former.

"The water got cold," he answered quite simply.

I had a feeling that was the reason.

I groaned, slowly taking off my shirt and stepping into the bathroom. Maybe I can get an actual hot shower by standing in this temporary hot spa.

"You are quite muscular." The bastard commented as I threw my shirt in the hamper a few feet away.

I shrugged. "Yeah, and you're really scrawny. How the _hell_ did you thoroughly kick the asses of all those guys in basketball?" I demanded, hands on my hips.

"How does a mouse win against a lion?" he retorted.

I was confused. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He looked at me for a long moment.

"Just…shut up. Go take your cold shower."

"Fine!" I snapped back, slamming the door shut.

I hate cold showers.

--

"Why are we sleeping in the same bed?" I whispered to Orochimaru, who just rolled his golden glow-in-the-dark eyes.

"Because I don't want to sleep on that _thing_ you call a couch and you don't feel like getting fleas from it either."

"Does your sleeping over include insulting my furniture?"

"Apparently it does. Shut up and go to sleep."

I huffed and stared at my bare ceiling. How the hell did he manage to get this far in my life?

Better yet, why the hell did I let him?

"Hey…" I whispered again. "Orochimaru?"

"No, there will not be flying cars in the nineties."

"I'm not talking about that!" I snapped quietly. "And there totally will be! You'll see, bastard!"

"What did you want?"

Oh. Right. "I don't feel like going to twelfth grade. Just thought you should know." I said, shrugging.

He smacked me.

"Shut up with your bullshit," he grumbled, wrapping the covering more around himself. "If you didn't go, I'd probably kill you."

My eyebrows furrowed as I smiled. "Thanks."

"Whatever. Go to _sleep_." He closed his eyes and went to sleep first.

"Bastard…" I muttered, preparing myself for sleep as well.

"Hmm…" Orochimaru breathed on my neck, making a blush spread all the way down to my collar.

I moved closer to the wall, letting him take all the cover he wanted.

"He'd kill me, huh?" I mused aloud as I closed my eyes.

It really was nice to know he cared.

**END TWELVE**

My favorite chapter is this one. It made me feel nice inside after I finished writing it.

Orochimaru is not going into the gay thing as well as I'd like him to, and Jiraiya is getting more bi-faggot as the chapters go.

I finally know how I'm going to end this fic! Thank you GOD. Now all I have to do is work towards that goal.

The name of this chapter title is from this BULLSHIT Panic at the Disco CD I got in exchange for 30 Seconds to Mars.

I want my 30 Seconds to Mars back. This Panic is some _shit_. I only like one song on the entire thing (Nine in the Afternoon), in comparison to the Panic! At the Disco that I've had for years and I love every single track with a passion unknown. I miss the exclamation mark. I hate Panic at the Disco. Fuck them with a lead pipe upside down in the Amazon on a monkey.

/end rant. Sorry about that.


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